Sunday, November 18, 2007
Arrested Development
Over two years after I predicted Joe would resurface (see August 2005, Anne Arky Ology), he did, although not necessarily in my life, just in my view. The last word I’d had on him was in October 2005, when I read of the death of his grandmother, and I haven’t heard from him directly since Labor Day weekend 2005.
Earlier this month, when I was reading one of my hometown newspapers online, I came across an article which stated that the week before Halloween, Joe had been charged with aggravated assault after a man called police advising that Joe had threatened him with a knife after opening the door and yelling at him, causing him to fear for his life. Alrighty then. The article also stated that Joe and the “victim” were found to be intoxicated and belligerent when the police arrived. Joe pleaded self-defense, and he is appearing in court this week after having been arrested and then released on bond.
I have two very strong feelings come out of this news – the first is resigned disappointment. It was very apparent when we reconnected two years ago that in his mid-to-late 50s, Joe is an over-aged delinquent who will never change and has no desire to change; he has no more ambition than a college freshman, to stay as drunk and stoned as is humanly possible, which makes me very sad. The second is a bittersweet relief to have found out that the raging, passionate “what-if”s of my life have been answered, and while I don’t like the answers particularly, at least I know. While such a reality check is a hard thing to take, I came out of it knowing that no matter what might have happened in the way-back, the outcome was probably best all the way around, at least for me, and I know that I couldn’t have saved him from himself. Sad to think that you couldn’t love someone enough to make a positive difference in his life, but I just don’t think I could have been of any real benefit to him in his life. I’m not sure he could have for me, either, and in fact we might have been totally toxic for each other, even worse than Mike and I were. (Hard to imagine, isn’t it?) I hate having the rose-colored glasses pulled away, and I don’t like what I see, so I’ll use the knowledge of it, but I still want to hang onto a few illusions as comfort food for my soul. I guess so long as I don’t allow myself to be deceived by them, keeping them like a favorite old teddy bear is allowed, eh?
I’m channeling Joni Mitchell now.
Loving eyes for only me,
He made me feel so wild and free,
That he could give the stars to me;
I’ve looked at Joe that way.
But even though I’m still enthralled,
Through his shades of drugs and alcohol
I see the writing on the wall.
Old visions fade away.
I’ve looked at Joe from both sides now,
From young and old, and still somehow
It’s Joe’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know Joe at all.
Earlier this month, when I was reading one of my hometown newspapers online, I came across an article which stated that the week before Halloween, Joe had been charged with aggravated assault after a man called police advising that Joe had threatened him with a knife after opening the door and yelling at him, causing him to fear for his life. Alrighty then. The article also stated that Joe and the “victim” were found to be intoxicated and belligerent when the police arrived. Joe pleaded self-defense, and he is appearing in court this week after having been arrested and then released on bond.
I have two very strong feelings come out of this news – the first is resigned disappointment. It was very apparent when we reconnected two years ago that in his mid-to-late 50s, Joe is an over-aged delinquent who will never change and has no desire to change; he has no more ambition than a college freshman, to stay as drunk and stoned as is humanly possible, which makes me very sad. The second is a bittersweet relief to have found out that the raging, passionate “what-if”s of my life have been answered, and while I don’t like the answers particularly, at least I know. While such a reality check is a hard thing to take, I came out of it knowing that no matter what might have happened in the way-back, the outcome was probably best all the way around, at least for me, and I know that I couldn’t have saved him from himself. Sad to think that you couldn’t love someone enough to make a positive difference in his life, but I just don’t think I could have been of any real benefit to him in his life. I’m not sure he could have for me, either, and in fact we might have been totally toxic for each other, even worse than Mike and I were. (Hard to imagine, isn’t it?) I hate having the rose-colored glasses pulled away, and I don’t like what I see, so I’ll use the knowledge of it, but I still want to hang onto a few illusions as comfort food for my soul. I guess so long as I don’t allow myself to be deceived by them, keeping them like a favorite old teddy bear is allowed, eh?
I’m channeling Joni Mitchell now.
Loving eyes for only me,
He made me feel so wild and free,
That he could give the stars to me;
I’ve looked at Joe that way.
But even though I’m still enthralled,
Through his shades of drugs and alcohol
I see the writing on the wall.
Old visions fade away.
I’ve looked at Joe from both sides now,
From young and old, and still somehow
It’s Joe’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know Joe at all.
Labels: Old Flames
# posted by Anne Arky @ 6:26 PM 
Comments:
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How sad. And how wonderful at the same time. These connections are always with us. No, you never knew Joe at all, but you learned a feeling from him that nobody else could teach you. And believe me, I know how that feels. I learned a feeling from Gary, after all, and it took me so many years to accept it. What I learned is that there are people in this world who actually want me in their lives. Of course he didn't, he wanted ownership, and there's a world of difference. So although I live out loud, and always have, I have always been somewhat surprised when people act as if they like me and seek out my company.
Hilda has a host of friends whom I keep meeting, one by one, and receive total acceptance from them all. Only one has shown any jealousy, and believe it or not, yesterday she showed signs of coming around. After three years. The jealousy comes from my relationship with Hilda. You see, I taught Hilda a feeling without meaning to. Guess we never mean to, we're just there at the right time and place. I've known Hilda longer than anybody else in her world has. I got to be her first real friend whom she didn't have to buy. Even her ostrich of a brother is coming around, and he's been a tough nut to crack, for both of us. Don't know what's going to happen with her half-sister though. Paige is of the opinion that there's nothing wrong with Hilda that Paige can't fix. I don't mean that the brother is comiong around to me, he's becoming less judgemental toward her.
And by the way, you were the last person to surprise me. Took me that many years to know that I'm really not as repulsive as my family led me to believe.
Hilda has a host of friends whom I keep meeting, one by one, and receive total acceptance from them all. Only one has shown any jealousy, and believe it or not, yesterday she showed signs of coming around. After three years. The jealousy comes from my relationship with Hilda. You see, I taught Hilda a feeling without meaning to. Guess we never mean to, we're just there at the right time and place. I've known Hilda longer than anybody else in her world has. I got to be her first real friend whom she didn't have to buy. Even her ostrich of a brother is coming around, and he's been a tough nut to crack, for both of us. Don't know what's going to happen with her half-sister though. Paige is of the opinion that there's nothing wrong with Hilda that Paige can't fix. I don't mean that the brother is comiong around to me, he's becoming less judgemental toward her.
And by the way, you were the last person to surprise me. Took me that many years to know that I'm really not as repulsive as my family led me to believe.
# posted by 
: 5:33 AM
: 5:33 AM 
Notthemama,
With regard to surprises, back at you, as you well know. What a toxic wasteland our families were/are.
Anne
With regard to surprises, back at you, as you well know. What a toxic wasteland our families were/are.
Anne
Meg,
There are worse songs you could have in your head (one local radio station used to call that "head glue", which I think is a fitting term) -- you could be singing the theme song to either "Gilligan's Island" or "The Brady Bunch". HA!
Anne
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There are worse songs you could have in your head (one local radio station used to call that "head glue", which I think is a fitting term) -- you could be singing the theme song to either "Gilligan's Island" or "The Brady Bunch". HA!
Anne
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