Monday, January 21, 2008
Saying Goodbye -- 23-28 December
Mother died at 8 AM on Sunday, December 23rd. My brother and sister and Charlotte and Uncle Joe were there, and I was there on cell phone, such as it was.
After days of grappling with the authorities in the state of Florida and the hospital staff and the crematorium/funeral home, the state of Florida finally released Mother to be cremated. The funeral home blamed the hospital, the hospital blamed the state laws and the funeral home, and I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between. Don’t die in Florida if you intend to be buried or interred somewhere else – it’s very inconvenient.
With three-way consultations between my sister (either in Florida, en route to Mother’s in Virginia, or at Mother’s in Virginia), my brother (in Florida) and me (here in Atlanta), we managed to get Mother’s funeral planned for the 4th of January. After all the plans were set in motion, we all took a list of people to call or contact and set about to do that. I chased down Mother’s step-brother in Kentucky and a few assorted cousins, and when I contacted my cousin Jack about the arrangements, he said he would be there, and then as an aside mentioned that the 4th of January is his birthday. I almost went through the floor, because in 2004, my dad died 3 days before my birthday and Mother took great pains to schedule everything AROUND my birthday rather than ON it, when my birthday was a Saturday and the perfect day for out-of-towners to attend a funeral; she knew that I had been horrified to learn years earlier that when her sister Gladys died on New Year’s Day 1950, she was buried on her son Jack’s 16th birthday. I was so incensed over his family’s insensitivity that no way was Mother going to have any of Daddy’s services ON my birthday. Somehow, I was sure Jack’s birthday was January 6th, and it’s most unlike me to screw up on dates and birthdays because I have eaten calendars and almanacs for breakfast since I was 5 years old, and I’m the family archivist, so I don’t know how I missed that one. Not only was Mother’s funeral scheduled for Jack’s birthday, it was scheduled for the 57th anniversary of her sister’s funeral. Of course, by the time Jack pointed it out, it was too late to change it, and he wouldn’t hear of it anyway, but still…he adored Mother, and Mother adored him, so it just broke my heart in a new kind of way – what was left of it, anyway.
After days of grappling with the authorities in the state of Florida and the hospital staff and the crematorium/funeral home, the state of Florida finally released Mother to be cremated. The funeral home blamed the hospital, the hospital blamed the state laws and the funeral home, and I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between. Don’t die in Florida if you intend to be buried or interred somewhere else – it’s very inconvenient.
With three-way consultations between my sister (either in Florida, en route to Mother’s in Virginia, or at Mother’s in Virginia), my brother (in Florida) and me (here in Atlanta), we managed to get Mother’s funeral planned for the 4th of January. After all the plans were set in motion, we all took a list of people to call or contact and set about to do that. I chased down Mother’s step-brother in Kentucky and a few assorted cousins, and when I contacted my cousin Jack about the arrangements, he said he would be there, and then as an aside mentioned that the 4th of January is his birthday. I almost went through the floor, because in 2004, my dad died 3 days before my birthday and Mother took great pains to schedule everything AROUND my birthday rather than ON it, when my birthday was a Saturday and the perfect day for out-of-towners to attend a funeral; she knew that I had been horrified to learn years earlier that when her sister Gladys died on New Year’s Day 1950, she was buried on her son Jack’s 16th birthday. I was so incensed over his family’s insensitivity that no way was Mother going to have any of Daddy’s services ON my birthday. Somehow, I was sure Jack’s birthday was January 6th, and it’s most unlike me to screw up on dates and birthdays because I have eaten calendars and almanacs for breakfast since I was 5 years old, and I’m the family archivist, so I don’t know how I missed that one. Not only was Mother’s funeral scheduled for Jack’s birthday, it was scheduled for the 57th anniversary of her sister’s funeral. Of course, by the time Jack pointed it out, it was too late to change it, and he wouldn’t hear of it anyway, but still…he adored Mother, and Mother adored him, so it just broke my heart in a new kind of way – what was left of it, anyway.
# posted by Anne Arky @ 7:16 PM 
Comments:
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Thanks, Solaris. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life, and parts of my life would have made a whole season's worth of Springer shows, so that's saying a lot. The support from my friends like you has kept me going. Thanks again.
Anne
Anne
Yikes! I'm headed to Florida! I had no idea that there would be such a problem with your Mother, how dreadful.
I have to help my father take care of his ex...she has a daughter but the daughter disowned her because she was a "drunk" in the 60's. The father left the girl with the mother and he's a prince according to the daughter.
You and I know the value of a mother, thank God we didn't have to find out AFTER they left. I don't know how those people live with each other.
You're in my prayers.
Meg
I have to help my father take care of his ex...she has a daughter but the daughter disowned her because she was a "drunk" in the 60's. The father left the girl with the mother and he's a prince according to the daughter.
You and I know the value of a mother, thank God we didn't have to find out AFTER they left. I don't know how those people live with each other.
You're in my prayers.
Meg
Meg,
I hope you got to and from Florida with no problems. You're right -- I don't know how people live after their parents are gone if they have unresolved issues. I always think of my brother whenever I hear "In the Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics, and I thank God that my parents knew that I loved them. My brother spent the years since my father's death (2004 to now) obsessing over all that was wrong between them, and my mother and sister told me he was quite depressed, but he turned around and created issues with Mother, too, and I got the impression just days after her death that he is cracking up. Some of his subsequent behavior has been almost human, so I know either he's cracking up or he's been possessed by aliens. If it's the latter, we want them to keep him.
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I hope you got to and from Florida with no problems. You're right -- I don't know how people live after their parents are gone if they have unresolved issues. I always think of my brother whenever I hear "In the Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics, and I thank God that my parents knew that I loved them. My brother spent the years since my father's death (2004 to now) obsessing over all that was wrong between them, and my mother and sister told me he was quite depressed, but he turned around and created issues with Mother, too, and I got the impression just days after her death that he is cracking up. Some of his subsequent behavior has been almost human, so I know either he's cracking up or he's been possessed by aliens. If it's the latter, we want them to keep him.
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